


The Evil Eye

by Presley22



Category: The Last of Us
Genre: Angst, F/F, F/M, Family Feels, Future Fic, Gen, M/M, Multi, Survival
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-15
Updated: 2020-08-16
Packaged: 2021-03-05 04:01:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 19,784
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25287973
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Presley22/pseuds/Presley22
Summary: Set 16 years after the events of The Last of Us 2."babe, but you need to remember that our son is strong, and smart, and he’ll know how to survive if he has to, just like we did.”As Jackson is under the attack of hordes of infected send by an unknown enemy, JJ tries to navigate between protecting his family, and being faced with the brutality of true survival for the first time in his life.
Relationships: Dina/Ellie (The Last of Us), Dina/Jesse (The Last of Us), Ellie/Joel (The Last of Us)
Comments: 45
Kudos: 166





	1. Gotcha

Pouring rain, heavy breath, and the taste of iron in my mouth, I bit my tongue again. The images are still there, like flashes, trying to lure me back in unconsciousness. I need to get up, shake it off.

Sitting at the edge of the bed, I stare at my feet for a minute, trying to regain composure. I need to keep taking deep breaths, I cross my arms, hands on each of my shoulders. I need to count, I need to focus.

One. The rain drops falling against the window.

Two. The ticking of the clock.

Three. The wind blowing.

Four. Chloe breathing.

Five. I’m okay. I’m here.

The images fade away.

I look back to see Chloe, still fast asleep. I’m glad I didn’t wake her, she would’ve wanted to talk about it, again.

There’s only so much feelings one can put into words, the rest was meant to be left unsaid and apparently processed through horrible nightmares, so I can keep somewhat sane during the day.

I look up at the small clock on the night stand, 4:56 am.

If I leave now, I can be back home before anybody’s awake and maybe avoid an unpleasant morning conversation.

I put my clothes on, leave a small note on the pillow, a kiss on her forehead, and step out into the cold autumn air.

I stops raining as I go down the main street, the sound of my boots in the small puddles on the gravy road relaxes me.

It’s still pitch dark, but Jackson is slowly waking up. You can see some faint lights within the houses. People getting ready for the early shifts, and night workers packing up to go home.

I like that time of day, the quiet of it all.

As I’m reaching the house, I can see a flick of light through the living room window. Shit.

Chances are Ma fell asleep on the couch last night waiting for me. That’s not good.

If I make it through the kitchen window without making any noise, I might be able to get pass her.

I sneak my knife blade under the crackled white wood to get it open. Thank god mom never got to fixing that window.

I lift it up easily and make my way through it as quietly as I can. As my right foot touches the ground, my left one knocks down a coffee mug that was placed on the counter. It falls heavily on the wooden floor. I freeze.

I wait for a few seconds. Nothing.

Phew.

Both my feet now on the floor I quickly take off my boots. Now starts the difficult part. The cracking floor had been my enemy for years, but I had learned every noisy plank by now, I knew how to get to the stairs undetected.

I was almost there, not that the stairs would be an easier task…

_“Do you sneak up on Clickers like this? I hope not cause you will die my boy.”_

My heart made a leap at the sound of her voice.

 _“Fucking hell Mom! You scared the shit outta me!”_ I angrily whisper.

She was sitting by the living room table, cleaning her guns by the looks of it.

 _“Sorry. But that was the worse sneaky entrance I’ve ever witnessed, I thought we taught you better.”_ She says in a casual tone, still focused on the 44. Magnum revolver in her hands.

 _“Why do you even bother coming through the window? It’s not like we don’t know where you were”_ she says with a chuckle, her eyes still glued to the firearm.

_“I know, but you know how Ma gets when I don’t come home lately, especially if I’m with Chloe.”_

She chuckles once more at that. Nobody knew Ma’s antics better than her, and as long as her fury wasn’t pointed in her direction, she found them incredibly amusing.

_“That’s not funny. She hates her.”_

Chloe and I had been going out for almost 2 months now. The whole thing wasn’t that serious, but somehow, she had been trying to win over my moms since day 1. Her attempts at “bonding” with my family had all failed miserably, especially when it came to Ma.

And recent events had made the ordeal even more difficult.

Mom didn’t think much of it, but she knew better than to go against her wife, it would just be making her life more difficult, my new girlfriend just wasn’t worth the commotion. 

_“She doesn’t hate her. She’s just highly irritated by her.”_ She says with a matter-of-facty tone. She had been playing mediator between Ma and I on that particular subject for weeks, which hadn’t been easy work.

 _“What are you even doing up?”_

Mom had always been an early bird, especially when I used to wake up at the crack of dawn in my younger days. We used to do chores together, or spend a few hours daydreaming about space travel. But since I started sleeping in when the teenage years hit, Ma had been making her stay in bed when she doesn’t have an early shift.

_“I’m going on patrol with Lori’s unit, a large group of new infected has been spotted by Elmond street up north, we’re gonna start clearing them.”_

Big groups of runners had been becoming a concern for the past few months, they seem to always arrive all together and from out of nowhere. I was becoming clear that something was attracting them, or someone was leading them here.

 _“You think they’ve been sent?”_ I ask, even though I know exactly what she thinks of it.

 _“I don’t see how else they would get here. We’ve cleared everything on more than a 100km radius around the town and set up traps all around it. And yet those hordes still keep coming to set them off.”_ As she talked, she was loading her semi-automatic rifle with precise but hurried gestures, I could tell she was ready to fight whoever is responsible.

_“You didn’t tell me you were going.”_

She always told me. Whether it’s her, Ma or me, whenever one of us was out, we always told each other.

 _“Lori came by late last night, Jamie is sick, so they needed an extra pair of hands.”_ She says, while settling her weapons on her belt.

 _“But you just got back.”_ She hadn’t been gone long, only a week, but still. They thought they had a lead on a group of trespassers, maybe the people who had been playing puppeteers with the infected, but nothing came out of it.

_“I know, but she needs someone who’s experienced. Her unit is still fairly young.”_

She starts putting her boots on, they’re darkened with a mix of mud and blood, she hadn’t had time to clean them properly since she got back.

 _“You should go to your room, your Ma will be down soon to see me off.”_ She says as she put on her jacket and backpack, soon followed by her rifle and her bow with a full set of arrows. She reloads her AMP pistol, the noise resonating through the house, before putting it on the left side of her belt, the 44 already sitting by the right. For companion they had a machete.

Then she puts on her gloves, the left one custom made by Ma herself.

She was only missing her knife, still planted in the small dresser by the front door, always the last thing she takes before leaving. I hate that knife.

_“Okay, well be caref- “_

I was cut off by some noise coming from upstairs. Ma was up and coming down.

 _“Shit.”_ my eyes were glued to the top of the stairs, until I felt a hand on my shoulder.

_“Just go under the stairs, I’ll cover for you.”_

I turn to her.

_“Seriously?”_

_“Go.”_ She says with a chuckle.

I make my way through the small black curtains marking the entrance of what used to be

my favorite hiding place. Some of my old dinosaur drawings were still hanged there. As well as clay made buttons, used electrical wires connecting screens that were drawn with so much details, and a giant window on the inclined wall, filled with some light in the dark stars Mom found when I was 6.

She had recreated the inside of space shuttle for me. When you would lie down, it would seem like you were looking up directly into space.

I spend hours there, listening to music, or the Apollo take off tape Pops had gotten her for her 15th birthday. Now my body could barely fit into the small area. I missed it.

I can hear Ma coming down the stairs above me. Through the curtains I can see her coming up to mom, still in her pjs, her hair pulled up tightly in a bun.

_“Hey babe, who were you talking to?”_

_“Myself. I have the most amazing conversations with Ellie, she’s awesome.”_ Mom says with a cocky smile.

 _“I agree.”_ is all Ma says, before giving her a playful kiss.

22 years of friendship, 16 years of marriage, and my moms still acted like they fell in love yesterday.

_“Jay didn’t come home last night, again.”_

My body tenses as I am mentioned. I’m not scared of being scolded. I just don’t want another endless conversation about “the wrong decisions” I’ve been making lately. Like going on unsupervised patrols, or missing my shifts at the clinic. Chloe had been the cherry on top. No matter how many good reasons I had for those decisions, it still wasn’t enough for her.

_“Come on babe, he’s almost 17 and has a girlfriend, it’s to be expected. Even if you actually liked the girl. “_

_“I don’t care that he’s with her, what pisses me off is that he told me he would be home, and then he doesn’t show up.”_

From behind I can see the tension in her body. 

_“Well because everytime he comes home after seeing her you give him the face.”_

_“What face?”_

I know exactly which face.

_“The “you could do better” face. “_

Yep, that one.

_“Well, I mean…”_

_“Dina.”_ Mom looks at her with a soft but stern look.

_“What? I tried, didn’t I? I went on patrol with her and she almost got us killed four times! Four times babe, I’m not even exaggerating. And then he goes out there alone with her on unsupervised patrols. She’s gonna get our son killed.”_

Her tone wasn’t as light as it had been when the conversation started. I had heard that speech from her many times, but to hear it again in a conversation I wasn’t taking part of hit differently.

_“Now you're exaggerating, he wanted to show her the river, we cleared that zone months ago. He couldn’t have known.”_

Cooling Ma off was one of Mom’s special skills, but it had become extremely complicated lately, especially since she had been away so much.

 _“It’s still reckless.”_ She’s not bulging, it won’t be today that everything will be forgiven and forgotten.

_“He’s a romantic, like you.”_

Mom is trying to lighten the mood, one of her last cards to play before going into full confrontation. 

_“Don’t joke about this, anything could’ve happened to them. If they had arrived before Lucas did…”_

Lucas. The name sends chills down my spine. An image comes. I push it away.

 _“He knows how to handle himself Dina.”_ Mom’s light tone is fading, this isn’t good.

_“Against a few infected, yes, not an entire horde.”_

_“It wasn’t a horde alright? And even if it was, the two of us took our own share of hordes when we were barely older than him.”_

This was turning quickly into a fight. A fight about me, that I am forced to listen to while uncomfortably crouched under the stairs, with a 1981 Columbia space shuttle toy replica lodged into my left butt cheek. I knew today wasn’t gonna be a good day.

Images are knocking on my brain, they want to get in, I have to keep them out.

 _“He’s not prepared for that. Not the way we were, and you know it.”_ I can hear an ounce of sadness, or maybe regret, in the toughness of her tone.

_“Isn’t that what we wanted though!? For him to have a somewhat normal life!? Without him having to worry about making it to the next day!?”_

I hate this. Mom rarely gives into her temper, especially when it comes to me or Ma. Against the entire world yes, but against us, almost never.

She seems to catch herself, her next sentences come out a lot calmer but the sternness is still palpable.

_“We can’t have it both ways Dina. We can’t keep making him feel safe and sheltered and then expect him to be scared and guarded. We were the way we were at his age because we had to. Because we went through things he never had to go through. Because we were terrified, and fighting was the only way to survive. He never had to feel that, and I sure hope he never will.”_

Her voice wavers at that last sentence. Even from a distance, I can see her eyes tearing up. I had seen my mom cry only a handful of times, mostly when I was little. I don’t remember the reasons, or even if I had the knowledge of them. I just know I hated the sight of it.

For a moment it feels like I’m 6 again.

The knocking is still there, I gotta stay focused.-

 _“I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”_ Ma’s voice is almost a whisper as she pulls Mom closer to her, putting her hands on both sides of her face, pressing her forehead against hers. Then she talks so low I can barely hear her.

_“It’s been so long since we’ve had to deal with a such a threat that I almost forgot. I had almost forgotten how dangerous it is out there. We’ve been so safe for so long… and now we’re losing so many people I…”_

Out there.

The knocks turn into thunder bolds, trying to pierce through my mind. I close my eyes. It’s too late, they’re in.

_“I know babe, but you need to remember that our son is strong, and smart, and he’ll know how to survive if he has to, just like we did.”_

I can’t hear what she says next. Her voice is gone.

The flesh, the blood, the smell, it comes in waves, trying to overflow my senses. I don’t want to see his face. If I see it then I’ll be stuck here for a while, until I can make it disappear again.

The noise of the door opening helps me come back to reality, I hear my mom’s voice again, faintly in the distance, I know I need to focus on it, that’s my way out.

Their voices get clearer and clearer, I’m almost there.

The blood still lingers. I cross my arms, hands on shoulders, I need to count.

_“He won’t even get to see you off.”_

One. Her voice is clear.

_“Don’t worry I’m sure I’ll ran into him before I reach the gates, he’s probably on his way home, ready to sneak in.”_

Two. I take a deep breath.

_“He’s so bad at it.”_

Three. I can hear the endearment in her voice.

_“I know. Maybe that’s why him and Chloe are meant to be.”_

Four. Mom is smiling, playfulness in her tone.

_“Shut up.”_

Five. Ma chuckles. I’m okay. I’m under the stairs. I’m here.

_“Do you really have to go on this one?”_

_“Babe…”_

My mind is clear again, I focus on their conversation. I need to stay focused.

_“I know, I know, I just… you just got back, you barely had time to rest, and it’s another really risky patrol.”_

Ma is still holding on to her hand.

 _“Every patrol is risky lately.”_ Mom says, adjusting the rifle on her shoulder.

_“I know, but Lori’s unit, they’re not prepared for what’s out there.”_

Out there.

No.

Focus.

_“Which is exactly why she needs me. All the more experienced people are already out taking care of the east and west wings. We’re getting attacked from all sides, we need to take back control as soon as possible.”_

Mom is halfway out the door.

_“I could go.”_

At Ma’s words, she goes back in, fully facing her again.

 _“No, you can’t. Not with your knee.”_ Her tone is definite.

_“My knee is fine. I’ve been walking normally for weeks already.”_

That’s a lie. She’s been having trouble getting up and running. I hope Mom knows this.

_“But can you run? Sprint? Climb? Jump fences?”_

She takes Ma’s silence as an answer.

_“I just feel so useless staying here, when I know I could be out there bringing down those fuckers.”_

Her frustration had been palpable for weeks now, but she would only share it with Mom, no one else.

_“Useless? You’re basically the one keeping this whole town running right now. Maria’s completely lost, she needs you, we all need you. Staying here is just as much important as going out there.”_

Since the hordes had started coming, tensions had slowly but surely been building within Jackson. People were getting increasingly aware of the lack of resources, especially weapons. Some patrols had gone and never came back, fear was starting to spread like a disease. Ma had become Maria’s right hand in the process. She knew how to keep peace and resonate with people, even though deep down I know her own fear and rage were brewing.

_“I know. I just wish I could come with you.”_

She almost sounds like me as a kid. One of them would leave on patrol, and I would run after them up to the main gate, begging them to take me…

_“Babe, we haven’t been on patrol together in 17 years. As much as I miss kicking infected ass with you, you know one of us always has to stay here, for Jay.”_

… and as always, the other one would catch me, keeping me inside the walls, keeping me safe.

_“I know. I was just putting it out into the universe, making sure it knows I need you.”_

I send my own wishes into the universe right there. Making sure it knows I need them both.

 _“I love you.”_ Mom whispers.

_“I love you too.”_

_“I’ll see you soon.”_ Mom strokes her cheek and kisses her.

She’s ready to leave when Ma catches her hand once more.

_“Wait. You’re forgetting something.”_

Before Mom can ask, Ma takes off the bracelet on her wrist to put it directly on Mom’s.

_“I want it back on my wrist asap okay?”_

Mom takes a quick look at the small Evil Eye. The bracelet always had to be on the wrist of the one that needed it the most. It was their own little ritual.

I look down at eye tattooed on my arm, tracing the three letters around it, sending some more wishes out.

_“Yes ma’am.”_

I look up, she’s out of the house. The knife on the dresser is gone. Suddenly a wave of panic comes over me. She’s gone. I didn’t say goodbye. We always say goodbye.

Before I can think another thought, I’m out from under the stairs, running after her.

_“Wait! Mom!”_

Ma jumps as I pass by her, I can hear a faint _“Fucking hell.”_ I look back, she has her hand clenched at her heart, I just scared her.

Mom turns back, an amused look on her face.

_“You just completely blew your cover son.”_

I walk close to her.

_“I just – we didn’t say goodbye.”_

Was she gonna leave without saying it? She always says it, always.

_“I was gonna wait for you by the main gate you dummy. Time for you to sneak out again.”_

The idea seems like a good one indeed. Fuck, maybe next time.

 _“Oh. Right.”_ Is all I can say.

She chuckles, move towards me and puts her gloved hand on my cheek.

_“You should get some more sleep, you’re working at the clinic later.”_

I nod, I’m already missing her.

_“You take care of your Ma and yourself while I’m gone, okay?_

_“Gotcha”._

Though not very poetic or sophisticated, “Gotcha” was a promise.

As a child, I used to have horrible nightmares. Nightmares of them dying, or disappearing into unknown forests with the sound of Clickers emanating from them. I used to wake up in tears, completely panicked, much like I do lately. Mom would come, take me in her arms and whisper “I got you, you’re safe, I got you”.

She used to have nightmares too, she still does sometimes, and when she did, I would go to her, climb in her bed, hug her and whisper “I got you, you’re safe, I got you”.

Over time the words started to be used anytime one of us needed them, eventually they turned into a single word, a sacred word between us, that conveyed in itself the promise of care and protection. A promise that we had each other’s back no matter what, and that coming back together alive and safe was always the ultimate goal.

_“You be careful and come back to us.”_

_“Gotcha.”_

I hug her, as tight as I can, like I always do, her body started to feel smaller and smaller in my arms as I grew older, the need to protect her grew with it.

 _“I love you.”_ She softly whispers in my ear.

_“I love you Mom.”_

I let go of her reluctantly, as I always do.

She puts her hand in my hair, right above my forehead, lightly pulling at them before saying…

_“See you soon baby tater.”_

…like she always does.

_“See you soon.”_

With one last smile she turns around. My eyes don’t leave her back, until she turns down the street, out of my sight. The need to run after her is burning at the pit of my stomach, I want to be 6 again and have the luxury to do so without care. The flames slowly turn into a knot, a knot I know will stay until I set my eyes on her again.

I feel a hand softly caressing the back of my neck, the knot loosens a tiny bit.

_“Come on baby, we know neither of us is going back to sleep, so let’s drown our worries in pancakes.”_

I look at Ma, the small and sad smile she has on, I nod, we go back inside, hand in hand.


	2. Head on a platter

The sunlight burns my eyes as I look up from the page. I don’t think I can handle reading another line. My eyelids are heavy, begging to fall shut, but I can’t let that happen.

I get up with difficulty, my back painfully cracking, I mutter some insults directed at my desk chair.

Coffee. That’s the only way to survive yet another day. Mom managed to bring me back some from her last patrol, I’ve been saving it for morning like these.

I go downstairs, the house is completely silent. Ma must have left a while ago.

There’s some fruits and bread waiting for me on the table, and a little note next to the plate.

**_\- Eat, or I’ll shove that loaf of bread down your throat myself. Love you, Ma. -_ **

I’m not hungry, I haven’t been hungry in a while. But for her, I eat a piece of bread and some grapes. The last thing she needs right now is to worry about me on top of everything else.

The coffee is ready. I don’t bother to put anything in it, the strong and bitter taste is one more weapon against exhaustion. A shower will be my next move.

The hot water is soothing, but I know only a glacial rain will help me out of my daze, I turn the faucet to the other direction, the cold stream hits me like a jolt of electricity, that should do it.

My next shift at the clinic starts in an hour, the small building is only a 5 mins walk away. I guess I’ll be coming in early today.

The streets are busy as I step out. It’s a nice day, even though the cold has been taking up residence early this year.

During my short walk to the clinic, I know I will pass by the same people I have passed by my whole life.

Most habitants of Jackson have an assigned job. We worked in shifts, ranging from 5 to 15 hours a day depending on the needs. School was mandatory until 15, after that you had to put in the work.

When people weren’t working, they were either sleeping, eating, drinking, fucking or talking. Usually more than three of those actions were executed at the same time.

Everyday pretty much looked and felt the same. 

I quickly greet a few of my friends and some of my elders as I walk down main street. I can overhear many different conversations happening, from the organization of the fall festival, to the proper way to mount a horse, back to a tutorial on how to shiv a clicker.

But in the past few weeks some conversations had been less inviting, quieter. It was clear to everyone that an unpleasant tension was slowly rising.

Units had been out on patrol for longer than expected. Between the worry of the families and the lack of information concerning the threat our town was facing, patience was running low.

Everybody knew everybody. It made things easier for the most part, except when it came to making hard decisions.

The clinic had been a safe haven from the heavy atmosphere.

Upon entering, I could see Old Greg sitting at his desk, dozing off, like he usually would at this time of day.

I move closer and put a hand on his shoulder.

_“Dr. Greg?”_

His head snaps ups immediately with a snoring sound.

 _“Yes?”_ he looks around, disoriented, until his eyes finally fall on me.

 _“Oh JJ it’s you. What time is it?”_ he looks and pats around his desk, probably looking for his glasses. They’re on his head.

_“Around 9:30”_

I look at him pat some more until I decide to put him out of his misery.

 _“Right here doc.”_ I touch the gold branch next to his ear.

_“Oh very well, thank you.”_

As he puts down the thin glasses on his nose, he regains his composure, then looks up at me, slight confusion on his face.

_“Isn’t your shift starting at 10?”_

_“Yeah but I was awake, I thought I’d come in early.”_

I had been going home late as well this past week, anything to keep busy.

He stares at me for a few seconds, it makes me somewhat uncomfortable.

_“You should maybe try to get some more sleep JJ. You look really tired. “_

He says it as a statement, result of the short analyze he just did of my face.

I did look as sleep deprived as I was.

_“I know doc, but I just don’t really sleep when one of my moms is out on patrol.”_

Mom had been gone for more than a week now. I couldn’t close my eyes without seeing her face. It would be a pleasant sight if my mind wasn’t smudging her features with blood and death. But here we are.

_“I see I see”_

Doc knew better than to press on. He wasn’t much of a talker to begin with, which I highly appreciated.

Dr. Elliot Gregory or old Greg like most would call him, used to be a veterinarian before outbreak day. He was the closest thing to a doctor Jackson had left. Soon approaching his 78th birthday, he had started slowly but surely losing his mind a bit over the past year.

I had been his student and apprentice for 3 years now.

For the sake of surviving, every child in Jackson is taught very young the basics of healing. How to stop a wound from bleeding, how to make stiches and keep away from infections, also how to put a bone back in place and make a quick brace. But when it came to more serious injuries that required surgery, only a handful of people had studied the procedures, I was part of that handful. The work was hard, the knowledge complicated to assimilate, but it never ceased to fascinate me.

I had only performed a few surgeries so far, Old Greg guiding me through all of them with impeccable precision. Arrow through thigh, internal bleeding to the chest, a c-section, and the latest one, an appendectomy.

The most common injuries that would come our way were cuts, burns and broken bones, though we were faced with only a few of those a month. The rest of our time was divided between research, practice, and doing the medical supply inventory.

_“You can go assist Olivia if you’d like. She’s stitching up Kathy in block 3.”_

He was already back to his reading before I could reply.

I make my way down the light green corridor. I enter block 3, it’s empty.

A rackling noise coming from further down catches my intention.

It’s coming from block 6.

My eyes fall on the back of a familiar silhouette as I enter.

_“Olly?”_

She turns around immediately. Her red curly hair in a messy bun, she’s holding a knife in her right hand and a sharpener in the other.

_“Jay! I’m so glad you’re here!”_

Olly’s natural enthusiasm was a sight for sore eyes.

I had known her my whole life, and I don’t think there was a single day she didn’t greet me with the biggest smile on her face.

We grew up together, never leaving each other’s side, she’s my best friend. To put it simply, she’s completely bonkers, and I adore her.

_“Hey, I thought you were stitching up Kathy.”_

As I talk, she starts sliding the knife against the sharpener with fast and swift movements.

_“It was a small burn, she left like an hour ago, Doc is losing his marbles again.”_

She slides the knife a couple more times before looking up at me. I know that spark of craziness in her eyes oh too well, she is up to something.

_“I need to show you something. Come on.”_

She throws the sharpener recklessly on the table and takes my hand.

She guides me to a door at the back of the room. It leads to the set of stairs that goes down to the basement of the clinic. I rarely went there; it was mostly used as a morgue before burials. The place not having a single window, the smell still lingered there, as if death had made it its permanent home.

We’re almost running at this point. Olly doesn’t know how to walk, everything always has to go fast with her, even when she talks, she barely takes a breath, it is as entertaining as it is exhausting.

She pulls me in a room. She clearly has been setting up camp there. There’s piles of books all over the place, research papers up on the walls, and right in the middle of the room a trolley with on it what looks like a body covered by a white sheet.

_“What are we doing down here?”_

She lets go of my hand to quickly go over the trolley.

_“Old Greggy never comes here, he hates the smell.”_

_“Understandably.”_ I’ve been standing here less than a minute and I can barely stand it.

She puts down the knife on a little table next to her, it has various surgical instruments on it. I have a bad feeling.

She looks up at me, excitement in her eyes, the takes off the white sheet.

_“What the fuck?”_

Is all I can say.

On the metallic trolley lies the body of an infected, stage 2 going on stage 3 by the looks of it.

_“How the fuck did you get that in here?”_

_“Mickey brought it back for me from his last patrol.”_ She doesn’t hide her excitement.

Part of me wants to know how he managed to bring it inside the walls undetected, the other part feels like it’s better left unknown.

_“Why?”_

She looks at me with an incredulous look.

_“So we can study it of course!”_

Leave it to Olly to secretly bring in an infected body in town so she can study it in the clinic’s basement and invite me along for the trip. If anybody knew this was inside our walls there would be big repercussions. Jackson was a home, a safe place, anything that could jeopardize that, even the tiniest possibly of getting infected by a dead body, would be met with fury.

_“Are you insane? If someone finds out you got an infected body inside the clinic we’ll be dead!”_

This whole situation is insane, and my lack of sleep clearly greatly reduced my ability to stay calm and collected.

_“Don’t you see? This is an opportunity to understand how they work, how the virus has been evolving.”_

The excitement in her voice seems completely out of this world right now. Has she gone completely mad?

_“We already have enough trouble learning and keeping alive healthy humans, and now you wanna start studying infected anatomy as well!?”_

I’m almost yelling at her at this point.

_“Calm down Jay! It’s not like anybody is gonna find out, nobody comes down here and anyways I’ll always lock the door. Only you, me and Mickey know about this, and he isn’t gonna say anything cause he’s the one who carried the bloody thing in here!”_

She’s yelling too. Her shenanigans had caused us to fight more than once over the years, but the sad truth is that I was unable to stay mad at her for more than a minute.

We fall into an awkward silence.

_“Look I’m sorry I didn’t talk to you about it before. I just thought with your mom and all maybe it wasn’t the best time. But then I thought that maybe it would be the perfect thing to get your mind off things.”_

One thing is true about Olly, she always means well.

 _“Fine.”_ I simply say. There was no point in going against her anyways.

A smile reaches her lips again, the spark in her eyes back shining as bright as ever.

She quickly walks towards the giant white board perched on the wall. I recognize her writing all over it.

_“Check this out. In the last 20 years, more than 5 new stages of infection have been identified. Which brings us today to 12 stages, that’s 7 more than the original 5 that were identified in the decade following outbreak day. And what’s crazier is that those stages don’t only seem to be dictated by a time factor, but also by the environment the infected have been inhabiting. Which means there could be hundreds of different types of infected. “_

She talks in a fast but clear pace. Olly has the ability to make even the most boring subject sound like a fascinating tale.

This particular subject however wasn’t a story I enjoyed very much, it touched too close to home.

_“Olly, that’s not something to be excited about.”_

_“But don’t you find it fascinating?! If we could study all of them, know their biology, maybe we would have more insight on how to defeat them. I mean I could write like a guide or something. Telling people exactly what type of infected they’re dealing with, and the best weapons or strategies to use in combat. We could distribute it all over the country, the world even!”_

Her eagerness is endearing, but like always, I feel the need to bring her back to earth.

_“Okay future world’s best seller, calm down for a sec. How would you even study all stages of infected, it’s not like they’re strolling down the street.”_

_“We could find people who’ve seen or fought them, they could give us some intel. Like your moms for example! I heard they saw some crazy shit in their days.”_

I knew my moms had went through a lot when they were younger. They never really went into details about what had happened. I knew all the good stories, the happy times. I knew about my dad, I knew about Joel, my moms had managed to make them a presence in my life. But when it came to talk about the hardship and aftermath of losing them, only vague words would be spoken, and silent looks exchanged between green and brown eyes.

I had never pushed them to tell, I didn’t want them to get sad, and also a part of me was just content with the happy side of things.

_“I’m sure they have. But how would you study them or their anatomy if you don’t have their… head on a platter?”_

I look back at the mutilated body, it still looks like it’s about to rise up like a clown popping out of a box.

_“Well we could go look for them.”_

Yeah, I’m not doing that.

_“Cause that’s not dangerous at all.”_

_“I mean their bodies.”_

She moves closer to the trolley, looks down at the infected’s head. She puts her gloved hands on either side of its head, slowly turning it to the side. The whole thing is making me nervous.

_“You know I heard a story about an infected that had like 5 heads and would separate in multiple bodies when attacked, like a worm when you cut it!”_

She doesn’t even look up to tell me this, too focused on the growths covering the neck. She takes a small scalpel from the little table and starts cutting one.

_“Where the hell did you hear this? It sounds made up.”_

_“People love to talk about the crazy shit they’ve seen JJ, I’m sure there’s truth to it.”_

I hope not. I had heard many battle tales over the years, some belonged to the teller, others were borrowed. Just like some were undeniably true, and others just a way to attract curious ears.

_“Yeah right._

_“My intellect is brewing, I need to start writing. I need to talk to Dina.”_

And just like that, she instantly puts the scalpel down, takes off her gloves and is almost halfway across the door when I catch her arm.

Impulsive much?

_“Whoa whoa, can you maybe hold off on that? She has enough on her plate right now, with the hordes and mutiny rising.”_

She thinks about it for half a second before walking back towards the trolley.

 _“Right. This town is full of idiots.”_ she simply says.

I chuckle as she puts her gloves back on.

_“Speaking of, how’s Chloe?”_

There we go again.

I send her an unimpressed look.

_“That’s low, even for you.”_

_“Sorry.”_ She says it with a light smile on her face. Teasing me about Chloe was one of her new favorite hobby lately. Needless to say, Olly and Ma always got along marvelously.

_“Is she still mad at you?”_

_“Yeah kinda.”_

I hadn’t talked to her in a couple of days, since our last fight.

I haven’t been missing her, which I guess isn’t really a good sign.

_“Seriously? It’s been more than a week. You left a note! I wouldn’t have left a note.”_

The note I left on the pillow the day Mom left hadn’t been met with the love I thought it would.

_“She just thinks I’m avoiding talking to her about my feelings.”_

_“Are you?”_

Without really ever having been friends, I had always known Chloe. We had been in the same classes, my moms went on patrol with her parents, and her brother Jasper worked at the canteen, so everyone knew him.

I had been only distantly aware that she liked me, until she straight up came to me in the middle of the last august town hall meeting to ask me out.

Chloe was cute, funny, and incredibly caring, I had no reason to deny her request.

We went out casually for about a month until we made it official about 9 weeks ago.

She was my first girlfriend, crushes and flings I had before didn’t really count as such.

I enjoyed the intimacy, the feeling of belonging. It was clear that her feelings for me were far more prominent than mine for her, but I could see myself maybe falling in love with her over time.

The whole thing was somewhat easy and fun, up until last month.

I had in mind to show her the east river. I had been there with mom a few weeks prior, the spot was beautiful, almost enchanting.

I had found a way to convince my friend Lucas to sneak us out with him on his patrol.

The river looked even more mesmerizing the second time around. We spend a few hours hanging by the water, talking and laughing together.

We left thinking we would make it back before dark, but as the sun was setting our nervousness grew. We couldn’t get caught on an unauthorized patrol.

Lucas knew a short cut through residential buildings. He had taken it before, it was supposed to be safe.

It wasn’t.

_“Jay? Are you?”_

Olly’s voice pulled me out of thought.

_“Not really. I just don’t feel like talking about it all the time.”_

_“But didn’t you guys have like a deep meaningful conversation about what happened, and about your nightmares?”_

It’s pretty much all the conversations we had at this point.

_“We did. More than once. But she still thinks we didn’t get to the root of it.”_

_“She’s been hanging out in the psychology section of the library too much.”_

I knew she had just been worried for me. But I had also discovered that Chloe had the deep need to fix everything, my demons were her latest challenge.

_“She just wants to help.”_

Olly looks up from the infected head for a second to look at me, unconvinced.

_“Well has the shoulder and counting thing been working?”_

_“Yeah for the most part.”_

_“Wow, good for her, she at least gave you that.”_ Her tone is playful. As she would say, she’s not mocking, only teasing.

_“Actually, it was Ma’s idea.”_

_“Ahhh Dina, what a wonderful woman.”_

Chloe had suggested various breathing techniques but they always made me feel dizzy more than anything else. Ma had just shown up in my room 3 weeks ago while I was having an episode, took my hands, put them on my shoulders and told me to count and focus on what I was hearing. It brought me back to reality in a couple of minutes.

_“She used to do it with my mom when she had panic attacks.”_

_“Really? I can’t imagine Ellie being in any kind of panic. The woman is a rock, she scares me a little sometimes honestly.”_

I had trouble imagining it as well, though some images from distant memories did come to mind.

_“She used to have a lot of them when I was a kid apparently.”_

_“Hm. Maybe it’s because she encountered a five headed worm like infected.”_

Our light laughs are interrupted by muffled shouts coming from above.

We exchange a look.

 _“Shit, what now?”_ I let out with a sigh.

After covering up our new infected friend and locking the door, we go back up.

As we make our way to the entry hall of the clinic the shouts are now discernible.

_“OPEN THE GATES! OPEN THE GATES! OPEN THE GATES”_

A crowd of maybe two hundred people are marching down main street, waving knifes, hammers and fists up in the air.

 _“What the hell is going on?”_ I ask Old Greg before moving closer to the window.

 _“People are shouting.”_ is all he answers, without even looking up from his book.

_“GIVE US OUR WEAPONS!!”_

_“OPEN THE GATES!!”_

I go outside, Olly by my side.

 _“Shit, idiots are angry.”_ she says loud enough for me to hear without drawing attention.

We make our way through the crowd, it seems to find an end at the square.

In the distance I can see a familiar silhouette up on the edge of the fountain.

Ma.

_“Please calm down, all of you! Listen!”_

She’s shouting over the uproar. It decreases slightly.

_“We’re done listening Dina! We want our weapons! We want to go out there! We have the right to!”_

I can’t see who’s talking. I try to make my way between the tightly squeezed bodies. I need to get to her.

_“YEAH!”_

_“LET US GO!”_

_“OPEN THE GATES!”_

The shouts are back full force. Olly and I are being pushed, we can’t move any closer.

 _“Should we do something?”_ she shouts in my ear.

From where I’m standing I can now see Ma’s face clearly, she’s pissed and ready to explode.

_“She can handle it.”_

As I shout this to Olly, a gun is fired.

The sound echoes through the street, some gasps can be heard, followed by complete silence.

Ma’s voice cuts through it.

_“EVERYBODY SHUT THE FUCK UP!”_

Her arm comes down, she puts her pistol back on her belt.

All eyes are on her.

_“Now listen to me, I know you’re all worried, scared and angry. I know you want to go out there to find your love ones and fight for this town, but this isn’t the way!”_

Her voice is clear and loud, her tone firm.

_“It’s been a month Dina! A month since Tommy’s unit left! A month since my son followed him! It’s a 2 days ride to get to edge of the East perimeter! 2 days! And it’s been a month!_

_Someone needs to go get them!”_

Lawrence Morton. His son David is an experienced shooter, he was the first to volunteer to go clear the East horde with Tommy.

_“Hordes of infected are extremely complicated to clear. The best strategy is to try to break them in smaller groups and that can take weeks! Especially when you need to go about it undetected.”_

Ma’s best option to deal with this is to try to rationalize things. Thankfully she knows her stuff.

_“But you don’t know that’s what’s happening! We have no contact with them, for all we know they could be stranded, hiding and waiting for help!”_

Mary Griffith, her sister Rose left with Rob’s unit, 3 weeks ago.

_“Rob’s unit and Lori’s haven’t been back either! What if this was a trap and they were taken!? The rule is “if you encounter more than you can handle you come back.”!”_

Paul Higgins, he’s been running the bar since Seth died 5 years ago. He just likes to shout and be heard.

_“Yeah that’s right!”_

_“He’s right!”_

Voices are starting to rise again.

_“So what exactly is your plan Paul? Take some of the few weapons we have left, go after them, likely get killed upon getting there because of you don’t know anything of the situation, and leave this town unprotected?”_

The noise dies down again. They know she’s right.

_“I just wanna go find my boy Dina.”_

Lawrence’s voice is shaky and pleading.

Ma’s face softens, she understands him, she understands all of them.

But she also sees the bigger picture, she has to.

_“I know, and I want to go find my wife. But I can’t allow that. Not if it means putting this town at risk. For all we know that’s how they operate, sending hordes of infected to lure our units out, and leave the town vulnerable and easy for them to take.”_

Her and Mom talked about this a lot. About all the different ways this attack could play out. We had to be ready on all fronts.

_“Look I know you all have a loved one, a friend or even just a co-worker out there. And I know how hard it is to stand by and wait. But right now, it’s the best thing we can do to protect what we have, and make sure they still have a home to come back to.”_

Some people in the crowd are nodding, others keep their heads down, a few are already leaving to go back to their normal activities.

Ma takes a few seconds to meet expecting eyes.

_“Have faith in them. I know I do.”_

On this last sentence the crowd starts dissipating. Heads are low, the atmosphere strange and heavy.

Before I can reach her Ma is already walking back to the town hall building. I quickly tell Olly to meet me later before going after her.

I enter the small room that has become her office over this past year. She’s sitting in one of the two chairs placed in front of the desk, head in her hands.

I move closer before kneeling down in front of her.

_‘Ma?”_

I softly put my hands on her wrists.

She looks up, takes me in for a second.

_“Hey baby.”_

Her voice is small and tired, completely different from the fire like one she had minutes ago.

She slowly puts her hand on my cheek, caressing it softly.

_“You okay?”_

I ask even though I already know the answer.

_“Yeah, just… exhausted.”_

She sighs as she gets closer, closing her eyes and letting her forehead fall on mine.

_“You were amazing out there.”_

I was truly proud of her. Mom would be too.

_“Thanks. But I’m afraid speeches won’t be enough to keep them here much longer.”_

She’s right, something was bound to happen soon. Unfortunately, the odds didn’t seem to be in our favor so far.

_“Where’s Maria? Why isn’t she helping you with this?”_

Our so-called mayor had gone AWOL for the past 2 months. People had started to whisper about it, but since Ma had smoothly been taking over and handling things on her own, the talks never turned into real concerns. As long as they had someone to complain to, nobody seemed to care.

I for one was a little pissed at Maria, for letting Ma deal with this mess alone.

Ma slowly pulls away from me to lean back in the chair. She’s holding my hands.

_“She’s not feeling well. And she definitely doesn’t have the strength to handle this kind of hurdle right now.”_

She clearly knew something I didn’t, but now wasn’t the time to ask.

_“They’ll be back. Like you said, it can take a long time to handle a horde. Plus, I’m sure they’ve been trying to lure them away from the perimeter, to make sure they don’t follow them back here. I know that’s what Mom would do.”_

The softest small smile tugs at the corner of her lips. That’s her Ellie smile. Whenever Mom is mentioned she can’t help it. 

_“Yeah, that’s exactly what she would do.”_

She’s not really with me anymore, she’s with her.

 _“I miss her.”_ she quietly says, looking into the void.

She’s sad now.

_“I miss her too.”_

We stay quiet for a few seconds, she’s tracing small circles on the back of my hands with her thumbs.

What I would give to take her sadness away.

 _“You wanna hear something crazy?”_ I ask.

She looks up, her tired eyes meeting mine.

_“What?”_

_“Olly told me that there’s a type of infected that has 5 heads, and is capable of separating itself in multiple parts when under attack.”_

She smiles at me the way she used to when I was a kid.

 _“Wow, really?”_ she chuckles lightly.

_“Yep. Now, if someone survived to tell about such a beast, then surely a horde of runners isn’t that bad.”_

She nods and pulls me in a tight hug.

We stay like this for a long time.


	3. Can we bring them back?

**_The Cordyceps will act like a parasite, using the host as a breeding ground, fungus growing within the body._ **

**_Upon the attack of the body, the cordyceps will slowly take control of the human brain which will stay intact and functional for the entirety of stage 1 up to a good part of stage 2._ **

**_Once the infected enters stage 3, the host can no longer resist the fungus and loses what’s left of its humanity._ **

**_Does that mean there’s still hope until the end of stage 2? Are they still alive in there, just trapped? Can we bring them back?_ **

As I read the last line of the page, chills run down my spine. Could this really be true? And could we save them?

I close the notebook, put it down on the desk and rub my tired eyes with my palms.

I had been reading over Olly’s notes on our new infected friend for almost 2 hours now. The amount of research and data collection she had done already was impressive. She might be indeed capable of writing a whole book about it.

I told her I would try to help but had been avoiding going downstairs for the past 2 days. The sight of the infected body rotting, and my lack of sleep were playing tricks on my mind. I kept imagining it rising up, attacking Olly, attacking me. Sometimes I would see Lucas’s facial traits appear behind the fungus. I couldn’t help but think about his body, what it would look like by now. Its decomposition must have been underway. I think back to that one sentence I read

**_Fungus grows more efficiently in dark, cool, moist area._ **

He died in this cold apartment near a swamp we had to cross.

Is his body just a giant disgusting mushroom now? Is that all that’s left?

I stop myself from thinking about this anymore. I was here to keep away from those images, not conjure them.

It was already past midnight, I told Ma I would stay at the clinic to study, she didn’t protest, she knows I need the distraction. She’s been doing the same, going around town taking care of everybody’s problems and some. Keeping close to the people also meant keeping control and avoiding another uprising.

There was still no news from any of the units. The waiting was starting to weigh heavily on me. I was pretty sure that if something had happened to Mom, I would know it, feel it. Like a pang in my chest, telling me half my heart was gone. 99% of me was sure of it. The remaining 1% was haunting me day and night.

The rain is pouring outside, I listen to the drops of water tapping against the window, wondering where she is.

I look over some more of Olly’s detailed sketches. She drew a timeline of the fungus slowly spreading within the brain, then breaking through the skull, leaving only one eye socket intact, to then tear apart the entire face, leaving no sign of humanity.

If I was ever to be bitten, I would end my life before it would come to any of this. I would end anyone’s life before it came to it. That’s the human thing to do.

_“Hey.”_

The voice startles me. I look up to find Chloe standing by my office door, drops of water falling from the stray of blond hair that was left out of her ponytail.

_“Hey, what are you doing here? It’s late.”_

_“I thought you’d still be working.”_ Her voice is small and hesitant.

Had she come all this way in this weather just to talk to me?

She had been avoiding me all this time, it had become plain obvious yesterday when I went to her house and she pretended not to be home even though her mom told me she was.

 _“Are you okay?”_ I ask, as I get up from my chair, moving closer to her.

She looks lost, like she doesn’t know exactly how she ended up here.

 _“Not so good actually.”_ She looks down at her fiddling hands. Seeing her like this is quite peculiar, she usually beams with happiness and confidence.

_“Is this still about last week or did something else happened?”_

_“I’m really sorry about that. I shouldn’t have gotten mad at you.”_

She looks directly into my eyes, regret and sincerity pouring out of them.

_“It’s okay. I should’ve known a note maybe wasn’t the best idea.”_

_“No, I overreacted. Truth is, it wasn’t really about the note to begin with.”_

The whole thing did seem a bit over the top for that one simple mistake. Somehow a part of me already knew there was more to it, that’s partly also why I let her have her space.

_“What do you mean?”_

_“I’ve been giving you shit for not talking to me about how you were feeling, when I’m the one who’s been keeping things from you.”_

I stay silent, my eyes staring directly into hers, letting her know I’m listening.

_“You’re not the only one who’s been having nightmares since that day. I’ve been having them too.”_

A flash of distress passes quickly in her teary blue eyes. I want to hold her.

 _“Why didn’t you tell me?”_ my voice catches a little in my throat. Seeing her like this is getting to me.

_“I thought that maybe if we kept talking about yours, it would be enough for me to understand mine.”_

She had desperately been trying to fix me in the hopes of fixing herself. It all made so much sense now.

_“But don’t you think it would’ve just been easier to talk everything out together?”_

_“Maybe, I don’t know... I just didn’t want them to take over my life the way...”_

_“it has been taking over mine.”_ I finish her sentence.

I could understand that. It seemed the more I was trying to fight off the monsters the more powerful they’d become.

 _“I’m not like you Jay. I’m not used to share and deal with my feelings. Maybe that’s why I was so attracted to you. It always seems to come so naturally for you. You wear your heart on your sleeve, and you’re an open book to the people you trust. I mean we had barely been dating 2 weeks that you were already sharing your deepest fears with me. I couldn’t do that.”_

As I lied in bed a couple hours after Chloe had boldly asked me out in front of all these people, I couldn’t help thinking about how attractive her confidence had been.

That night I tried imagining what kind of couple we could be. I tried guessing what her favorite things were, what kind of conversations we would have, if we had anything in common.

I came to the date with a clear picture of who I thought Chloe was, from the little things I had noticed over the years. I realized after less than 2 minutes in her company, that I had been completely wrong about her.

She managed to surprise me then, and she still manages to surprise me now.

She hadn’t shown that kind of vulnerability on any occasion except for that haunting night. Seeing it again right now, my heart was aching for her.

_“Of course you can, you’re doing it right now. You just have to believe that the person you’re opening up to will listen to you and won’t judge you. I hope you know that’s the case with me._

She needed to know that no matter what I will be there for her. Especially after having been through what we went through.

 _“I know. I’ve always known. I’ve just never learned how to do that.”_ She pauses, takes in a breath, as if she’s about to tell me something she’s been keeping in for too long.

_“You have two amazing moms who let you feel and express yourself anyway you want or need to, while always giving you their undying support. My family isn’t like yours.”_

I had known this. Chloe rarely talked about her family. Despite always seeing them around at their work, I couldn’t remember a time I ever saw all four of them together.

While she didn’t have any trouble showing her affection to me, the one time we came across her mother while walking hand in hand to the stables, the atmosphere got as cold as ice. As if she had run into her military superior instead of her mom. She kept really quiet for the rest of the afternoon that day.

 _“I know.”_ is all I say, feeling like she still has things she wants to share.

_“When we got together, I thought that maybe if I could force myself to be honest and open about my feelings for you, it would make opening up easier over time. And It was easy, being with you I felt like I could do anything and be myself without ever second guessing. I even started wishfully thinking that we’d fall in love and your moms would take me in and treat me like family. And what it would be like to just... feel that.”_

I know how lucky I am to have the family that I have. But hearing her talking about it that way, a wave of pride comes floating over me, soon followed by a crushing sadness. I feel sad for Chloe, that she never got to experience that kind of love and dedication. And I feel sad thinking that maybe nothing would ever be the same with half a heart missing.

 _“I worked myself up so bad that I ended up ruining everything.“_ she chuckles before continuing.

_“I was so nervous for that patrol with Dina, that I kept making stupid mistakes. Almost got us killed a few times. And now she hates me.”_

If Ma was hearing this now, she would hug the girl and tell her she didn’t have to try so hard.

_“Don’t worry, you’ll grow on her.”_

I was sure of it now more than ever.

_“I hope so.”_

An awkward silence falls between us.

Where do we go from here?

She speaks before I can ask.

_“Everything is different now. Ever since Lucas died, I’ve been struggling and... I think I need some time to figure out how to deal with it.”_

This sounds a whole lot like the first few lines of a break up speech.

Again, she surprises me.

_“You mean, time... apart from me.”_

It didn’t even need to be a question, her eyes were answering to everything already, she was apologizing with them.

_“I’m sorry. I just don’t want us to end up wallowing in each other’s darkness. I wouldn’t be good for either of us.”_

I actually thought that maybe together we would’ve found a way to fight our demons, especially since they seemed to share a face. But I guess this would be too complicated for her, too demanding and unfamiliar. It would end up causing her more harm than good right now.

_“I understand.”_

I couldn’t help but feel sad. Just when I was about to fall, she’s slipping away.

 _“I hope we can stay friends.”_ even though it’s not a question, it sounds like one.

I take her hands in mine.

_“Chlo, no matter what, I’m always here for you.”_

She smiles and I die a little. 

_“Thanks Jay.”_ She says almost like a whisper.

I take her in my arms. I know I won’t be the first to let go.

She slowly parts her body from mine.

 _“I’m glad I picked you as my first love.”_ She simply says.

_“I’m glad you did. I would’ve nev- “_

_“JAY!”_

Both our heads snap to the door as we hear my name being called from the corridor.

_“JAY! WHERE ARE YOU!?”_

We step outside the room, only to meet my caller in the entry hall. It’s Aaron, I know he was on surveillance duty tonight. He looks frantic, completely soaked from the rain and out of breath.

“Here you are! Your Mom and some of the unit people are back! We’re bringing them here, some of them are hurt!”

I barely heard anything after the words “your mom.” and “back”.

My heart takes half a second to breathe in relief before the double doors of the clinic’s entrance burst open.

I quickly analyze the faces of the people coming our way.

Jason, he was on guard duty too, he’s carrying with difficulty on his back Carter, who left with Rob’s unit. He seems to be hurt at the shoulder.

I quickly go get one of the trolleys from the nearby corridor, and tell Chloe to do the same.

As Jason puts Carter down, more people enter the lobby. I recognize Molly, she works at the weapon check out, she’s helping Rose who seems to be hurt at the thigh.

Just behind them Old Greg and Vincent, carrying Billy, from Lori’s unit. He seems unconscious, trauma to the chest from what I can tell.

I’m about to follow them into bloc 2 when a flash of red hair catches the corner of my eye.

Olly just entered, I recognize my Mom’s tattoo around her neck before I can even see her face.

I run to them.

_“Mom!”_

She’s barely conscious, moaning in pain. I put her other arm around my neck, lifting her weight from Olly’s.

_“She’s badly hurt to the leg. She’s lost a lot of blood. We send someone to go get Dina.”_

_“Okay I got her. Go help the others.”_

As Olly runs towards block 2, I help Mom get to block 5. Halfway there she stumbles down; I carry her the rest of the way.

We enter the room, I put her down on the medical bed. For the first time since she got here, she opens her eyes to look at her surroundings.

_“Mom? Can you hear me?”_

She suddenly sounds out of breath, looking around the room in panic.

_“Mom everything’s gonna be okay. I’m gonna fix you up alright?”_

I turn away from the bed to go put some gloves on and get some equipment.

I’m startled by a loud metallic sound behind me. I turn around and see Mom up near the small wood stove, she’s holding on to the nearby wall.

_“What the hell are you doing!? Get back on the bed!”_

Before I can get to her, she crumbles onto the ground.

I carry her back to the bed, she’s leaving behind big drops of blood, her handmade tourniquet is soaked with it.

I start trying to loosen the knot when she violently pushes my hands away.

 _“Don’t!”_ her shout is laced with pain.

_“Mom, let me see your wound!”_

I reach for her leg once more.

 _“No!”_

She reaches for my wrists, trying to keep them off of her. I’m surprised she still even has the strength to do so.

_“What the fuck is wrong with you let me look at it!”_

I’m getting heated, and thinking that I might need to sedate her.

_“Ellie!”_

Ma enters the room, soaked and out of breath. She rushes to Mom’s side, takes her hand.

“Dina.” Mom seems more alert now that Ma is here. Maybe that will be enough to keep her calm while I take care of her leg.

I start untying the knot once more when she suddenly jerks her leg away.

“What the fuck!? Ma, she won’t let me look at her wound! You need to hold her leg!”

Ma quickly looks at me before making a move to hold Mom’s leg, but Mom quickly catches her by the wrist.

Ma turns to her, they exchange a look.

I have seen that look before.

_“JJ you should wait outside, I got this, go help the others they need you.”_

I look at Ma, bewildered.

Is she fucking serious right now?

_“I am not going anywhere! I’m not letting you deal with this alone! We don’t even know how serious the wound is!”_

I feel like I’ve been transported to a parallel universe. All the while Mom’s blood is now dripping off the bed.

 _“JJ we can take care of it just go help the others!”_ Mom shouts, weak and out of breath.

She’s dying and we’re losing time. Whatever they’re playing out it needs to end right now.

_“No! I’m your son! And the only one out of the three of us with actual medical experience!”_

I don’t think I’ve ever yelled at them this way, but they give me no choice.

_“I will treat that wound and I’ll do it by force if I have to!”_

Ma looks at me with a mix of frustration and desperation.

She turns to Mom.

 _“We don’t have time for this El, you’re losing too much blood.”_ Ma’s voice is pleading, her eyes begging.

Mom hesitates, her eyes never leaving Ma’s, then she finally let’s out a painful _“Fine.”_

Ma nods and let go of her hands to help me untie the knot.

My eyes set on her heavily injured leg, at first I only see the bloody gap of missing flesh.

 _“Fuck.”_ Ma says under her breath, her hands are shaking.

As I take some water to start cleaning around the wound, I’m thinking that it must have been some sort of explosion for the skin and flesh to be ripped that way.

As the water washes away some of the blood, odd marks appear.

Teeth.

My heart drops.

I stop moving.

No.

No.

No.

This is not happening.

I feel my legs getting weak.

I see flashes of Olly’s notebooks.

**_The Cordyceps will act like a parasite_ **

My mind is shutting down. I know it.

**_fungus growing within the body_ **

I slowly step away from the bed.

**_will slowly take control of the human brain_ **

This is not happening.

I need to stay here. I need to focus. I can’t fall right now.

**_can no longer resist the fungus and loses what’s left of its humanity._ **

I need to look at Ma.

**_Are they still alive in there, just trapped?_ **

This isn’t happening.

I somehow manage to look up at her.

She needs to look at me and tell me this isn’t happening.

**_Can we bring them back?_ **

She’s not looking at me.

She’s talking with Mom.

I can’t hear anything.

Their voices are muffled.

I need to focus.

I look at their mouths, trying to hear them.

_“-ve a choice! You need to cauterize it.”_

Mom is saying this, I can hear her voice, it’s far away.

My vision gets blurry.

_“Are you fucking crazy?”_

_“It’ll stop the bleeding and hide the marks. We can’t take the risk of anybody seeing them.”_

I can’t feel my body anymore.

Am I even here?

_“Use the kidney dish I put in the stove, it should be hot enough by now.”_

_“Fucking hell.”_

I see Ma’s shape moving away.

_“Use the forceps to take it out.”_

There’s light appearing close to her.

Am I dreaming?

_“Jay!”_

Is it the light calling me?

What is happening?

Suddenly I feel a cold hand on my neck. It pulls me.

Green eyes.

_“Jay! Look at me!”_

I can see, I can hear.

_“Jay!”_

_“Mom.”_

I’m here.

This is happening.

My senses are all coming back. I’m out of breath, as if I just came out from under water.

_“I’m gonna be fine. Look at me. I’m okay, I’m not gonna turn. I’m gonna be fine.”_

What is she even saying?

_“How the fuck do I do this?”_

Ma is back next to the bed, holding a burning hot kidney dish with forceps.

 _“Just press it flat on it, and then take it off after a couple of seconds. Do it as many times as you need to.”_

What is she about to do?

_“Fuck, okay.”_

Ma is getting into position.

 _“Wait.”_ One of her hand let’s go of the forceps to take a bandage roll from the little table next to the bed _“Bite this.”_

Mom puts the roll in her mouth and strongly bites on it. I look at her teeth.

Biting.

She’s biting.

She was bitten.

_“JJ!”_

Ma’s fingers snap violently in front of my eyes.

_“Wake up! I need you!”_

I look at her. I’m here.

_“I’m gonna need you to hold her leg.”_

I do as I’m told. The blood instantly makes its way on my hands as I press them again Mom’s cold leg.

As Ma is millimeters away from pressing the dish down, I look away.

My eyes fall on the old calendar pinned on the wall.

On the upper page a litter is playing with balls of yarns.

I start counting, from 1 to 30, looking in each numbered squares as I go.

One, the sound of the dish as it touches the skin.

Two, Mom’s muffled scream.

Three, the smell of burning flesh.

Four, she moves her leg, I hold it tighter.

Five, c _an we bring them back?_


	4. To leave or to stay

My right hand holds the gun tightly, while my left is busy trying to scratch the dry blood under the nail of my thumb.

I’ve been sitting on the floor for so long now, I can barely feel my lower body.

I stare at her sleeping face. The freckles on her nose, tight lips, some wrinkles on her forehead she gained from frowning too much. I stare at her closed eyes, I know the shades of green behind those eyelids by heart, and now I’m scared I’ll never see them again.

She had passed out the fourth time to burning hot kidney dish met with her skin.

Since then the only sign of life coming from her was her chest slowly rising and falling

I look up at the clock on the wall, 3:53 am.

Ma had gone to find Maria over an hour ago now.

Small whimpers make me tear my eyes from the wall back to my mother.

She’s shaking, droplets of sweat are falling down her temple.

I get up not without difficulty, leaving my gun on the floor. My legs ache, I stumble a couple of times before reaching the bed.

I take the wet towel that’s been soaking in a bowl of ice-cold water. I wring out the extra liquid before folding it neatly and putting it on her forehead.

She whimpers again.

I pat her whole face slowly with the piece of cloth.

The whimpers turn into mumbles. She’s talking in her sleep, but I can’t decipher what she’s saying.

I slid the cold towel down her arm, over her tattoo. I look at the scar there, the chemical burn. Was that burn also there to hide something?

_“Jay...nnn”_

She mumbles my name, followed by an unrecognizable word.

_“Jay...un”_

I put my ear closer to her face, trying to focus on the sound.

_“Jay... run.”_

Run?

I move my head away and suddenly I’m met with red bloody eyes.

Before I can make a sound, she shrieks and grabs my neck.

I can feel her teeth sink into my skin, blood splatters everywhere.

I try to scream but nothing comes out.

She lets go of my neck, I fall on floor.

I can feel the warm blood pouring out of me.

I hear the bed cricking.

My vision gets blurry.

I can see her, standing above me, blood dripping from her chin, demon eyes.

_“Jay, I told you to run.”_

I feel myself slipping away.

She crouches down next to me.

She takes the hair above my forehead in her bloody hand, slightly pulling at them, like she has done all my life.

_“Jay...”_

I can’t breathe anymore, I’m suffocating.

_“Jay...”_

She’s smiling above me, malice in her eyes.

Suddenly she opens her mouth and launches down on me, ready to bite.

_“JAY!”_

My eyes open to brown ones.

My breath is shallow, my hands shaking.

I’m still in the same room I was seconds ago, on the floor, Ma crouched in front of me, hands on my knees, worry on her face.

_“You were dreaming.”_

My breath steadies.

She gives me one last look before standing up and moving towards the bed where Mom is still fast asleep.

Images of the nightmare I had seconds before reappear. I look for my gun, it’s next to me, where I left it.

I take it and I swipe away the sweat on my face with the sleeve of my sweatshirt.

 _“Will you put that away?”_ Ma’s tone is dry, she looks at the gun and then back at me, angry eyes.

Before she left, we had started an argument. Seems like act 2 was about to start.

 _“She’s not gonna turn.”_ She simply says, before turning her eyes back to her wife.

 _“You can’t be sure of that.”_ My tone is just as cold if not more.

 _“She was bitten before and nothing happened.”_

Whether or not that was true, I would not be taking any chances.

_“Jay I’ve seen her breathe spores and not even get a sneeze out of it. She’s fine, trust me.”_

Trust her?

How could I?

They hid this from me.

If anything, they were the ones that should’ve trusted me.

The shock and confusion that occurred during the operation and the few instants that followed, had slowly but surely turned into anger as I realized the weight of the secret that was kept from me.

Mom was ready to let herself bleed out to avoid telling me this truth.

How long were they gonna keep me in the dark? How long was I gonna be the fool of the party? And what else had they been hiding?

Those questions are burning on my tongue like fire, and as I’m about to spit out flames, soft mumbles are heard. Mom is waking up. My body tenses.

My grip on the gun tightens. I should get up, get close to her, get ready for the worse, but my body won’t move.

I just stare as Ma leans in closer to her. I can’t quite describe the look on her face, there’s worry, relief, but I can also see what seems to be a spark of fear in her eyes. I guess I’m not the only one who thought of the worse.

 _“Dina...”_ her voice is hoarse.

From the side I can see her eyelids open but the color of her eyes is left unknown.

One look at Ma’s face tells me all I need to know. She’s okay.

 _“Hey babe.”_ Ma smiles softly at her before kissing her forehead and then meeting it with her own. _“You scared the shit out of me, don’t ever do that again.”_

Mom’s hands reach up to settle on both side of Ma’s face. They’re drowning in each other, like they often do. The sight usually warms my heart, but right now the anger I’m feeling is taking up too much space.

After a few seconds of this, Mom winces in pain, her face moving away from Ma’s, her head falling back heavily on the pillow.

 _“Fuck.”_ Her right hand reaches out for her leg, her upper body rise up from the bed for half a second before Ma pushes her back down gently.

_“Stay down, you need to keep resting_

Mom and I are both terrible at being sick or injured. Staying still, or as Ma call it “resting”, for more than 30 mins, was simply an impossible task for us. She had to put up with us sneaking out of bed, pretending to eat soup before quickly throwing it in the toilet or in some flower pot, Mom going out in the snow with pneumonia, or me trying to play guitar with a broken finger.

She always caught us before the worse could happen. She knew our limits better than we did.

_“Jay is there something you can give her for the pain?”_

Mom only now notices that I’m in the room. Her first instinct upon seeing me is to smile. I see the corner of her mouth slowly rising but it never reaches its usual high spot. Instead it suddenly drops down. I can tell she just remembered what had happened, what I saw, what I know now. I can see her search my features, trying to gauge my current mood. Her eyes linger for a second on the gun in my hand, and back to my eyes. They must say it all because she’s unable to hold my stare, her eyes fall to the floor and then back to Ma.

 _“Jay?”_ Ma’s tone is dry, I know she won’t put up with my attitude for much longer.

 _“In the small cabinet, there’s some rolled Indica.”_ I say in a monotone voice.

Ma is about to move away from the bed when Mom catches her by the wrist.

 _“No no, I don’t want any, I need my head clear right now. I can handle the pain it’s fine.”_

Ma gives her an hesitant look. They have pretty much always been a “if you hurt, I hurt” kind of couple.

 _“Are you sure?”_

_“Yes.”_

Mom squeezes her hand softly.

_“How long have I been out?”_

_“Just a couple of hours babe.”_

Longest two hours of my life.

_“How are the others?”_

_“Billy is still in surgery with Greg and Olly, the others are okay, they’re resting. I went to see Maria, she’s gonna want to talk to you.”_

I know I should be helping Old Greg and Olly. I would be if Mom’s injury had been a simple cut.

_“El, what happened out there? Rose is saying things that don’t make any sense.”_

_“There’s hundreds of them Dina.”_ Mom’s voice is low and shaky.

She was known in town as a fearless soldier. She would lead units without fail and keep her composure during any situation. People liked having her in their team because they knew she would be the rock that never breaks. She’d only ever show her vulnerable side to Ma and I. Still the sight of it is so rare that seeing her like this is unsettling to say the least.

" _We arrived by the North perimeter on Sunday night, you could hear their screams from a mile away.”_

A chill runs down my spine as my mind conjures the distant sounds that live in my nightmares.

_“They were just standing there, in the mountains, the whole thing was so fucking weird. It’s almost like someone had gathered them all there, and they were waiting for something._

_We took higher ground, quietly shot a few from a distance but there were so many, we started running low on ammo. The only way to eliminate a greater number was to get closer and light them up, but even then, it would take either an extremely powerful explosive or a big group of people that could act together in unison. If we only attack a small part of the horde then the rest would scatter everywhere, we just couldn’t take that risk.”_

Mom has always been a fine strategist. She knew how to handle pretty much any kind of tricky situation when it comes to clearing areas without getting noticed. If she thought the task was impossible then it surely was.

_“We tried breaking them into smaller groups but it was just so complicated. If the noise was too loud then they would all move together. And if the noise was small enough then it would only attract a few of them. We had to get so close, it was just too risky._

The most infected I had encountered at once was five. And even then, it felt like there was double of them. 

_Eventually we decided that maybe it was better if we found the other units and work all together. We headed East to find Tommy’s unit. They were at the base, with Rob’s unit, they had joined forces a couple weeks before.”_

_“That’s good. So they all worked together to clear the East. Did they manage to?”_

Ma’s question is unsure, almost like she’s scared of the answer.

_“When we got there they had cleared more than half of it.”_

_“Okay great.”_ Ma says, letting out a breath of relief.

She had been listening to Mom carefully. She knew that whatever had happened there she would have to find a way to explain it to the rest of the town. If there was even a remote chance that the threat could be controlled then it would buy us some time before panic arises.

Mom stares at Ma for a second, I can read the hesitation on her face. What she’s about to say next can’t be good.

_“The night before last, we were woken up by the sound of a bell and infected screams in the distance. That’s when we saw a new horde coming, just as big as the one before. We kept a close eye out to try to figure out how they were getting here. We kept hearing those bell sounds, that’s what was attracting them. And that’s when we saw... someone... walking, in the horde, waving a bell in the air. Two more followed.”_

Silence falls upon us.

Ma’s confused face mirrors mine.

How is such a thing possible?

 _“That’s what Rose kept saying... that they walked among them, but what do you mean by that?”_

Ma’s voice is low, almost like she’s scared of asking, and scared of the answer.

 _“They were non infected people walking in the middle of the horde Dina, without being attacked. They used the bell sounds to make the horde move forward.”_ Mom says slowly, making sure she understands every word she’s saying.

Walking among infected without danger is a power nobody would be able to fight against.

If someone was able to master such a thing then what else would they be capable of?

 _“How is that even possible?”_ Ma’s voice wavers as she asks. Fear and confusion painted on her face.

 _“I don’t know.”_ I sense defeat in Mom’s tone. 

_“Is that possible?”_

It takes me a couple of seconds to realize Ma is addressing me. 

_“How would I know?”_ Is all I can tell. I had never heard of such a thing, even in Olly’s tales.

_“Olly told me that you’ve been studying the Cordyceps.”_

Speaking of.

I should’ve known that Olly’s top-secret studies wouldn’t stay secret for long. The girl is simply incapable of keeping anything to herself.

I try to gather my thoughts.

How would that actually be possible?

What would it take to be invisible to the infected?

I start thinking out loud.

 _“Well, the Cordyceps sole purpose is to spread. That’s why it’s always looking for new hosts. Since infected don’t attack each other, it’s safe to say that the Cordyceps can recognize itself in a way. Hypothetically, if one was able to find a way to make it look like they’re infected without actually being infected, then it would be possible to go around undetected.”_

The whole idea sounds actually brilliant, but how would someone achieve this in this day and age? 

_“Like a smell? That would serve as a cover?”_ Ma asks in the same manner I ask Doc about complicated medical cases.

_“Potentially yeah, but it could also be something only the Cordyceps could perceive. Maybe something not related to human senses.”_

Part of me wants to start studying this new possibility right this instant, while the other part wish I had never heard of it in the first place.

_“Regardless of that, to create such a thing you would need an incredible amount of medical and chemical resources, and search trials. It’s the kind of thing that would be decades in the making.”_

My answer is far from reassuring. 

If someone had managed to create a sensory cover from the infected, then maybe the infected themselves aren’t our biggest threat anymore.

 _“They were Fireflies.”_

Heavy silence falls once again.

They stare at each other, an unspoken conversation happening between them. Of course, I’m not invited.

_“The symbol was on their jacket.”_

I had heard of the Fireflies during history lessons at school. Their creation and first disbandment were a fact, while everything that happened after was pure rumor and speculation.

Some say they formed once more and have a settlement somewhere in the west coast, while others say they all died, destroyed by other communities such as the Seraphines.

I never thought much of it. It had all seemed so far from our lives in Jackson, just stories and words scribbled on a blackboard, not real people about to destroy my world.

_“Fuck.”_

With that one word Ma says more than enough.

They are real, and now they are dangerous, very dangerous.

_“Rob wanted to shoot them, Tommy wanted to capture them. And while they were bickering about it, the horde suddenly moved forward...”_

Mom pauses, she’s looking into the void.

I know that look, she’s back there, reliving it.

 _“They went right through us. They were everywhere.”_ Her voice catches in her throat, emotion taking over her.

Even though I can’t clearly see her eyes from where I’m sitting, I know she’s tearing up right now, just by the way her bottom lip quivers.

_“Most of the units were killed within minutes. Some of us managed to reach the horses. I was bitten while trying to ride away. They were just all so fast. Suddenly this big explosion happened. I’m pretty sure Tommy set it off. It was enough diversion for us to get away, and we rode directly back here.”_

Ma stays silent, taking it all in, I do the same.

My heart starts pounding harder in my chest as I realize the kind of danger the town will soon be facing.

If the hordes reach Jackson before we can properly prepare then the fight won’t even be one. We’ll need a solid plan and impeccable organization...

_“Dina, we need to leave. We need to pack our stuff and get the fuck out of here before they reach Jackson.”_

I snap my head up.

What did she just say?

 _“How are you planning on doing that? Even if we manage to get out it would be with barely any weapons or food.”_

Why are they even talking about this?

_“The farm.”_

_“What about it?”_

_“I hid some stash there.”_

_“What? When?”_

_“Some 17 years ago.”_

I’m listening to the exchange, barely believing what I’m hearing.

They were actually considering this.

 _“Why didn’t you tell me?”_

_“I don’t know it slipped my mind.”_

_“Right.”_

_“What matters is that there’s weapons and food there. We can load up and head South.”_

I feel anger burning up inside of me once more.

 _“What tells you that there won’t be an horde at the South perimeter as well?”_

_“Nothing, but we can manage to get around it and get away.”_

They’re having this insane conversation not two meters away from me.

They manage to make me feel completely invisible for the second time today. Maybe they’re the ones who gave the tip to the Fireflies.

_“And to where exactly?”_

_“We’ll figure that out as we go.”_

We? Who’s “we”?

I sure as hell ain’t part of that “we”.

Who do they think they are?

I am not going anywhere.

_“El...”_

_“We don’t have a choice Dina.”_

I feel like flames have invaded my chest, growing so high, begging to come out.

I get up slowly. I won’t listen to anymore of this.

_“I know it’s gonna be hard but- “_

_“So that’s your big plan? To run away in the night like thieves?_

I cut her mid-sentence. They both turn to me, finally remembering that I’m in the room.

_“Jay...”_

Ma says my name the way she used to when she could feel one of my tantrums coming as a child. The sound of it pisses me off even more.

_“Doesn’t matter if we have friends, people that we consider family. They can just stay here and die.”_

My tone is harsh, I can barely contain my rage at this point.

_“Come on, that’s not what I meant. We’ll try to warn as many people as we can.”_

While she says this, Mom avoids my eyes.

She’s never been good at confrontations. Once she gets heated then there’s no coming back, she knows she always goes too far, talking before thinking. But I won’t back down, she can bring it, I’m ready.

 _“Knowing the people here, not many will want to leave. They’ll want to stay and fight.”_

Ma is trying to play neutral ground, giving reasonable doubt, but I know she’ll end up siding with Mom, she always does, even if it ends up making her the shittiest leader this town could possibly have.

Unlike her I will fight for them, till the end if I have to.

 _“Yes, and that’s what we should do too.”_

I can’t believe I’m here trying to convince them to fight for our home.

I guess I don’t know them that well after all.

_“Did you listen to anything I just said!? If the hordes reach the town, it will not survive it! We don’t have the numbers or weapons to fight back!”_

Now she’s really pissed, and so am I.

 _“Let me remind you that about half of the habitants of Jackson are children and elders!”_ she’s full on shouting by now, her eyes looking straight into mine. 

_“Which is exactly why we should stay here and protect them!”_

As my voice echoes in the room, my brain takes a second to realize what is happening.

I’m actually fighting with Mom. Our first real fight, in 16 years.

We both fought with Ma, knowing perfectly well she was gonna win anyways. But Mom and I always found a way to talk it out before it would ever get there. I think it’s because deep down we both know if it went too far, it could break us.

 _“Jay, we need to evacuate the town, not turn it into a tomb.”_ Ma’s voice sounds almost soft, she’s trying to bring down the tension, but it’s too late, and the stakes too high.

_“Evacuate them to where Ma!? The mountains? They’ll probably be covered in snow by next week!”_

 _“We don’t have a choice Jay!”_

Mom’s voice is even harder than before. I wonder how much further it can go, but no matter what I will not budge.

 _“Well I’m not leaving without Olly, or Doc, or Chloë.”_ My tone is final.

 _“They can come with us.”_ Ma is still trying to calm me down. I can see the plea in her eyes, she’s hating this. If somehow this fight had been about something less important, I would’ve probably gave in just for her. But I can’t, not when it comes to this.

_“You forget that Olly’s mom is in a wheelchair. Are you carrying her up the mountains, or am I?”_

Something shifts on Ma’s face, like suddenly she realizes that leaving also meant leaving behind.

_“People are gonna die Jay. It’s unavoidable”_

I hear Mom but my eyes are still fixated on Ma.

She knows running away isn’t the right thing to do.

She’s been leading these people, she cares about them.

She knows we owe to protect this town, to protect our home, I know she does.

I notice a flash resolution in her eyes as she’s looking right into mine.

The light goes out just as fast as it came, the brown orbs now looking at the ground.

I guess I’m on my own then.

_“Well fuck that. I’m not gonna abandon my town and people that I love.”_

_“Don’t make me use force against you Jay.”_

I was used to this kind of sentence coming out of Mom’s mouth with a light voice, a smirk and playful eyes.

Her voice is dry, her lips tight, her eyes cold.

It’s crazy how in a span of an instant everything changes.

Only a few hours ago I thought I knew who my moms were.

I thought our family could resist anything, that nothing could tear us apart.

And yet here we are, for the first time in my life I don’t feel like I belong with them.

I don’t think I’ve ever felt worse in my whole life, but there’s no going back.

I hold her stare.

_“What are you gonna do? Knock me out? Drag me to the mountains on a back of a horse?”_

_“Sounds like a plan to me.”_

The kind of determination I see in her eyes I had never seen before.

I have a feeling she would indeed be capable of it.

She almost looks like a stranger.

_“I’m not a child anymore Mom. You can’t make decisions for me.”_

Her entire face slowly falls down, as if realization was finally hitting her.

I make my way to the door, open it, and leave without looking back.


	5. Fuck this day.

The neon light in the corridor is clicking. I keep staring at it.

I can hear the sound of the rain pouring outside.

I’m tired, my head is pounding with pain, my hands are shaking, my whole body tenses up as chills keep coming down my spine everytime the cold wind waltzes through. I am pass the point of exhaustion, I feel like an empty can. I feel like disappearing.

It’s been about 30 mins since I left my moms. I ended up here, sitting outside of Block 2, waiting for Olly.

In that time, I had seen Maria's silhouette pass by quickly at the end of the corridor, probably making her way to block 5 to see Mom.

Guilt was already starting to eat up at me, a tight knot that formed itself as soon as I closed the door on them. I had never turned my back on my parents before.

We had had our disagreements over the years of course, but never took it this far.

The truth is, if they left tomorrow, I’m pretty sure I would end up following them. But the sacrifice that would cost would haunt me forever, and eventually tear us apart, I know it.

I couldn’t leave everything behind like that, I just couldn’t.

Metallic sounds put me out of my thoughts as I look at the Block 2 gray door. Part of me wants to go in and help, but the other part knows better than to burst in the middle of an operation. I'm a fucking mess anyways, I would do more damage than good in the state I’m in.

The block doors suddenly opens. Old Greg steps out of the room, a piece of white cloth over his mouth and nose.

A trace of blood is left all across his hairline as he wipes his sweaty forehead with the back of his hand, covered by blue gloves tainted red.

He takes the gloves off and puts them in the trash next to the door.

He walks pass me, without even noticing I’m there. I watch him go down the corridor, dragging his feet, his head down.

I get up and enter the room.

Olly is sitting on a stool, one elbow on the table next to her, her head in her hand.

My eyes go quickly from her to the trolley in the middle of the room. On top of it I can discern a body, covered by a white sheet.

Billy.

I step forward, slowly lift up the sheet from over his head.

His yellow blonde hair seem to shine compared to his pale skin.

He looks younger than the last time I had seen him, giving me a book and making me promise to read it. It was still on my bedside table, untouched.

Tears start welling up in my eyes before falling heavily on my cheeks.

I let a few fall before wiping the rest.

I put the sheet back up before moving towards Olly.

I slowly put my hand over the back of her head, letting her know I’m here. She looks up. Her face soaked in tears.

 _“Hey.”_ I simply say.

 _“Hey.”_ Her voice is tired and shaky.

 _“Come on, let’s get out of here.”_ I quietly say before taking her hand in mine.

As we step out into the corridor, we can hear cries coming from the lobby.

Audra, Billy’s mom.

I watch Olly’s face lose all color as she looks in that direction, I pull her the other way.

I take her to our break room or as we call it “the diner”, because all we ever do there is eat.

I sit her down before going to the little cabinet above the sink. I look for the bottle that I hid there a few weeks ago. My own little homemade brew.

I pour two cups, put them on the table before sitting next to her.

_“Drink this.”_

She takes the glass without a word and drinks the whole thing in one go before putting it down hard on the table, letting out a heavy sigh.

_“We thought we had the bleeding under control, he went down as we were closing up.”_

She’s looking in the distance as she talks. I grab her hand and squeeze it tightly. 

_“Fuck this day.”_ I say.

She smiles softly at me, sadness in her eyes.

 _“Fuck this day.”_ She says back.

Silence falls over us, it’s not uncomfortable, but heavy.

 _“How’s your mom?”_ she suddenly asks.

I panic a little inside. I’m gonna need to lie to her, and I never lie to Olly. For one I absolutely sucked at lying, and honestly, I never had a reason to. She knew everything about me and I knew everything about her.

I’m pretty sure she’s gonna instantly know I’m keeping something from her, but I have to do it, at least until I can make sense of it.

_“She’s fine, just a bad cut...I mean a bad burn. She’ll be fine.”_

If my stuttering voice and fleeing eyes don’t give me away, I don’t know what will.

She stares at me for a second, she knows something is up. She’s gonna expose me.

 _“So, what the fuck happened out there?”_ she asks before taking my glass and drinking from it. Her eyes are not on me anymore, I guess the lie will live another minute.

I release a small breath I didn’t know I was holding, only to have the knot in my stomach tighten as I think of the things I’m about to say.

 _“We’re in deep shit.”_ I say, before taking the glass from her hand and finishing it.

_“That bad?”_

_“There’s hundreds of them, coming from all directions.”_

_“Fuck.”_

She massages her forehead slowly. It’s a lot to take in, even if we had been thinking of that possibility for weeks now. And yet that’s not the craziest part.

_“That’s not the worst of it.”_

She looks up, eyes between worry and confusion.

_“Apparently they’re controlled by someone. Fireflies.”_

As I’m saying those words, the insanity of the situation dawns on me once more.

Olly’s confused frown is now even more pronounced.

_“What do you mean “controlled”?”_

_“They found a way to cover their sent in somehow. The infected can’t detect them.”_

Olly’s eyes widen for a second before she goes into deep thinking. Maybe she’ll have some explanation, some answers as to how this could be possible.

_“How the fuck?”_

or maybe not.

_“I have no idea. They just walk with the hordes, and moves them forward.”_

She goes back into her head for a few seconds.

 _“That sounds fucking brilliant.” s_ he finally says.

_“I know.”_

This kind of knowledge and scientific advancement is the sort of thing her and I would often daydream about.

In her case it was even more prominent, and it touched a lot closer to home.

Her father had been bitten when she was only a baby. Her family had been living in a farm in Utah. Upon being infected Olly’s mom, Caroline, kept her husband locked in the barn, refusing to end his life. Olly grew up knowing he was in there, but never able to actually see him.

When Olly turned 4, she sneaked out to go see him, wanting to share her special day and some cake with the man whose picture was always on her bedside table. What she found in that barn wasn’t that man though.

Her grandma, Sue, realized quickly enough that she had disappeared. When her and her daughter entered the barn, Olly was up under the roof, her infected father trying to go up the ladder to get to her. Her mother climbed behind him, tried to hold him off, they both fell from 18 feet onto the ground. Her grandma shot him in the head before he could make another move. Her mom became paralyzed that day.

Not being able to take care of a toddler and her paraplegic daughter, Sue decided to go look for help, for a community. A few months later they arrived in Jackson.

Sue was a well-known character in town, she was a grandmother to everybody, much like mine was. When she died 5 years ago something snapped in Olly. For a few months she wasn’t the cheery and happy child she had always been. I had even struggled to recognize her. Until one day she was back, more alive and determined than ever, and wanting to become a doctor. The way she talked about it was nothing short of magical, and soon made me want to follow that path as well.

Finding a cure to the Cordyceps had always been on the to do list we came up with at the simple age of 12, along with curing her Mom’s paraplegia.

To now be faced with a discovery like this one, made me want to daydream again.

Olly is still thinking hard, but I know there’s more I need to tell. I’m nervous to see her reaction.

_“My mom thinks they’re gonna attack the town soon.”_

I pause, waiting to see if she’s listening. She nods but doesn’t look at me. If I’m being honest, I don’t mind her not hearing the next part.

_“She wants us to leave before they get here.”_

The knot in my stomach tightens once more. I never thought I would feel this when it came to my mothers. Shame. I feel ashamed, ashamed that Mom would consider abandoning everybody, ashamed that she would not fight for our people. And ashamed that Ma is just going along with it, without even trying to change her mind, when she’s the one who has been the closest thing to a mayor we’ve had in months.

Olly has always been part of our family somehow, what she thinks of me and my mothers matters to me. And even if at that moment I was mad at them like I had never been before, I didn’t want Olly to be.

She finally looks up at me. I was expecting confusion, anger, or one of her infamous ironic chuckles, but instead I am met with worry, and fear. The kind of look my mothers would give me everytime I told them about my upcoming patrols.

 _“I told her I wouldn’t go.”_ I quickly say. She looks away and lets out a discreet but noticeable relieved sigh.

 _“How did she take it?”_ she asks, still not meeting my eyes.

_“Not good. There was some yelling.”_

My voice is low, I don’t even want to think about it again.

_“Damn, the end must really be near for you guys to fight.”_

Her usual playful tone is buried under the heaviness of the situation.

_“We need to protect this town, this is our home. I won’t go without a fight.”_

I needed to say this to her. I need her to hear it and know it. I’m not leaving her behind, ever.

She nods, looks at me and gives me a light smile before squeezing my hand on the table.

We stay like this for a little while, both lost in thoughts. Then suddenly she talks again.

_“I wonder though, why all this?”_

_“What do you mean?”_

_“They’ve been out there for weeks, circling us. Why would they bother doing that when they have a literal army of infected?”_

These past few hours had been so emotionally exhausting I hadn’t had time to actually think about the reasons behind such an attack. I force myself to think.

 _“Well like Ma said, maybe they were trying to lure the units out, leave the town vulnerable.”_ I say. The only piece of information my brain was able to put out of my muddy mind.

_“If I had infected as pets, I wouldn’t give a shit about vulnerability. I mean, the units all put together make what? 50 people? That wouldn’t make a difference against hundreds of infected.”_

She does have a point.

I barely have time to process what she said before she keeps going.

_“Plus, why attack a town like ours? I mean yeah, we have some food and gear but nothing crazy. If they have the resources to make an infected repellent spray, I’m sure they’ve figured out the rest.”_

Everything she says makes sense, which means this whole situation doesn’t.

Knowing now for sure that the threat lays beyond the infected, one must wonder why that much effort was put into attacking a rather small town like Jackson.

We knew of other communities that were ten times the size of ours, with much more resources. Even if their chances of taking over that kind of settlement were less favorable, it could still be done with enough infected soldiers on your toes, and again it’s not like they would have any trouble finding recruits.

My head starts pounding again. I’m really not in the state to think about enemy strategies.

 _“Then what the hell could they possibly want?”_ I ask, hoping her brain works better than mine right now.

_“I don’t know, but it’s fishy. And Fireflies are known for their huge projects and societal ideas, they’re not the burning villages to the ground kind of group. At least from what I’ve heard.”_

I had almost forgotten that we do have intel on the Fireflies, history.

Many people still lived to talk about them, my mothers included. Maybe they will know what they could be after.

_“Do you think th- “_

I’m interrupted by Clark, picking his head through the door frame.

_“Guys, town meeting at the square, Maria is gonna talk.”_

He is gone as fast as he came.

 _“I guess she’s finally back from the dead.”_ Olly says, getting up from her chair before adding

_“let’s go see idiots break into full blown panic.”_

We make our way to the square among the crowd. Surprisingly everyone is quiet.

Whether it’s because they’re barely awake or because they realize the seriousness of this moment, the atmosphere created by only the sounds of footsteps on the ground is somehow terrifying.

Eventually people come to a halt as we reach the fountain. Maria as yet to arrive.

 _“Your moms are over there.”_ Olly whispers in my ear before nodding in their direction to the left, about 5 meters from us.

Mom has her right arm around Ma’s neck, the other she’s holding a crutch, using both to stay steady on her right foot. Ma is holding her tightly by the waist, she won’t let her fall.

My eyes fall on their faces, they don’t seem good at all. Mom looks like she’s about to pass out, while Ma just looks pissed.

 _“Shouldn’t Dina be up there?”_ Olly asks, low enough for only me to hear, even though judging by the number of eyes on Ma, everybody was wondering the same.

Ma had been handling town meetings for months. People didn’t even look for Maria anymore, any problem would go by Ma, who would report to Maria and come back with an answer or a solution. That system was true for the first few weeks but eventually Ma didn’t even bother to go to Maria anymore. She handles the problems herself, but still pretends that Maria has something to do with it, so that people keep seeing her as the leader.

The whole thing was pissing Mom and I off so much, but Ma insisted that we keep it to ourselves.

Ma not being up there couldn’t mean anything good

_“Something must have gone down.”_

As I say this, whispers start slowly rising in the crowd. I look away from my mothers to see Maria going up on the fountain. From where we are, we can clearly see her struggle to do so.

She’s being helped by Sonia, a nurse who had arrived in town about 6 months ago with her daughter.

As she rises up on the small brick edge, her face is finally visible, she looks sick.

Not the flue kind of sick, the terminal illness kind of sick.

 _“Fuck.”_ I hear Olly whisper next to me.

Everybody in the crowd is staring at the ghost of a woman Maria has clearly become.

 _“Did you know it was that bad?”_ Olly asks.

I slightly shake my head No, still shocked by the state Maria is in.

 _“She never comes to the clinic, Old Greg always goes directly to her house.”_ I say, wondering what disease had taken over her.

In a last effort Maria stands up straight, her hands behind her back, a military chief position she had displayed many times over the years.

Her hollow cheeks, tight lips and corpse-like skin makes her face look tougher somehow. As weak as her body may be, her stare was still strong as a rock.

_“Good morning everyone. I think most of you must know by now, the hordes that have been threatening our town are now on the move towards us. The units that were send to control and eliminate the threat weren’t able to succeed in their mission. Unfortunately, we lost many brave and great soldiers. Their sacrifice will not be forgotten, and they will always be remembered and missed._

_Some of the units have yet to return, but we know they are still out there fighting the enemy and buying us some time to prepare._

_Our town is now facing an imminent attack, we are gonna need to all get to work to protect our grounds. That means putting explosive traps in place, craft ammunitions as well as fire starters. We need to clear as many infected as we can before they even reach the town perimeter._

_I know you’re all worried and scared, but this whole operation will require order, rapidity, and organization. We need to work as one now more than ever, and try to keep a clear head._

_Operations will be led by different groups, each being assigned a different task. Those groups have already been decided for the most part, and your full cooperation and dedication will be needed for us to succeed.”_

Her tone is firm, her voice unwavering, if it weren’t for her appearance, she would still be the leader we’ve always known.

_“Nathan, James and Evelyn will be handling assignations, you will refer to them to know your position. The most vulnerable habitants, meaning children, elders and wounded, will be led to a protected area via the underground tunnels. Sonia will supervise this task.”_

Not a single contradictory voice is heard, even the usually loudest assholes have nothing to say. I guess it’s the kind of respect one gets after many years of leadership.

I feel Olly tugging at my sleeve to get my attention before she talks close to my ear.

 _“Is she not gonna talk about...”_ she mimics moving wings with her hands.

 _“Apparently not.”_ I answer, before looking back to where my moms stood, only to find that they’re not there anymore.

_“Let’s protect our home.”_

Maria’s speech finishes on that last sentence, and she starts coming down.

The crowd starts talking again as it scatters. Some people going directly to get their assignments while others take a second to talk it out.

 _“Let’s go get our assignments now, I need to go find my mom after.”_ Olly says, taking my hand to guide me through the people towards a small line leading up to Nathan.

We quickly get to him.

_“Name?”_

His tone is cold and blasé, not even looking up for a second from his clipboard. Nathan is known to be a bit of an asshole, today was no exception.

_“Olivia Price.”_

_“Medical duties. Tunnels. Refer to Sonia. Next!”_

Olly moves to the side, leaving me her place in front of Nathan.

_“Name?”_

_“JJ Harris-Miller.”_

“ _Medical duties. Tunnels. Refer to Sonia. Next!”_

I’m about to move when my curiosity gets the best of me.

_“Hum, can I ask for my moms?”_

He still doesn’t look up.

 _“Can’t they get here themselves?”_ he says, annoyance in his voice.

 _“One of them is injured.”_ I answer back with as much annoyance.

He finally looks up slightly but still keeps his head down before letting out a sigh.

_“Fine. Names?”_

_“Ellie Miller.”_

He looks through his papers.

_“Wounded. Tunnels.”_

_“Yeah right.”_ I hear Olly mutter next to me.

_“and Dina Miller?”_

_“Trap setting. Front line. Refer to James. Next!”_

I step to the side with Olly.

 _“As if Ellie was just gonna sit and wait in a tunnel.”_ she says as we start walking away from the mass of people.

 _“She definitely won’t.”_ I say, wondering how this was supposed to play out with them still wanting to leave.

 _“You think they’re still gonna leave?”_

As always, Olly knows how to read my mind.

_“I don’t know. I need to talk to them.”_

Just the thought of it is making me nauseous.

 _“Alright, I need to go find my mom. Let’s meet later okay?”_ She says while giving me a hug.

_“Okay.”_

I watch her walk away, and start heading towards home.

As I’m getting closer, I can hear my moms voices rising from the house. They’re fighting.

I look around at the small garden surrounding our house. Flowers we planted during the summer are now all dead from the cold.

I wonder for a second what would be left of this place if the infected marched through it, spores and fungus growing out of the walls.

What it could be like to come back here years from now, like visiting a cemetery, full of memories.

I step closer, go up on the porch, their shouts are now more discernible.

I press my forehead onto the door.

_“Fuck this day.”_


End file.
